Balance Baby

S2E9 Healing Through Love: From Karmic Lessons to Authentic Connection

• Harkaren • Season 2 • Episode 9

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What if the love you thought you knew was just a reflection of cultural expectations and not genuine connection? Join me, Harkaren, as I unravel the journey of self-discovery and healing after my tumultuous divorce. Influenced by Kate Rose's book, "You Only Fall in Love Three Times," we explore the different types of relationships—idealistic, karmic, and twin flame—and how they influenced my failed marriage. The solitude and introspection brought on by the pandemic lockdown gave me the rare opportunity to question deeply ingrained beliefs, redefine my values, and confront the reasons behind my past choices. This episode stresses the importance of understanding our emotional triggers and using them as avenues for growth and healing.

Have you ever felt that love required self-sacrifice? Through my relationship with a thoughtful partner named Sloth, I transitioned from a people pleaser to someone who experienced unconditional love. Despite our deep bond and shared growth, different life paths revealed that love alone couldn’t sustain us. We delve into the concept of love not just as an emotion but as a state of being, emphasizing the need for emotional safety, mutual respect, and meaningful connections. By reflecting on these experiences, we discuss the importance of processing past relationships to heal and rediscover our identities, ultimately aiming to live in a state of love that transcends mere feelings. Join our conversation to understand how spending time alone can pave the way for healthier future relationships.

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Harkaren:

Hello everyone and welcome to Balance Baby, the podcast designed to help you consistently show up as the best version of yourself. My name is Harkaren and I'll be your host. I'll be here every week sharing stories and teaching you techniques to prioritize the only thing we have any control over in this world ourselves. We only fall in love three times in our lifetime, each one for a specific reason, and though these loves all feel different, each serves the same purpose to help us grow, evolve and learn. This is a quote I read from a book called you Only Fall in Love Three Times the Secret Search for Our Twin Flame by Kate Rose. It doesn't mean that we will only fall in love with three romantic partners in our lifetime, but that there are three distinct types of love, that we will only fall in love with three romantic partners in our lifetime, but that there are three distinct types of love that we fall into. There's the idealistic love, the karmic love and the twin flame. I read this book while I was on my post-divorce healing journey and it really helped me make sense of things.

Harkaren:

Fortunately for me, I was going through my separation and divorce during the pandemic. I was back, living with my family, everything was locked down and there was nothing to do but heal. The forced solitude gave me the rare chance to reflect deeply on my experiences and recognize the patterns that had shaped my choices Growing up. The criteria for a partner had always been clear-cut he must be a jut from a respectable family with a good career. These guidelines, ingrained from childhood, defined my concept of love and partnership. It was more about ticking boxes than forming a genuine connection, and all of my South Asian friends and all of my cousins were told the same things by their families. I didn't entertain any options outside of my culture because I knew, if things went well between us, we wouldn't be able to get married anyways. Needless to say, this was a very problematic approach to finding a life partner.

Harkaren:

In those quiet, introspective months, I spent my time unraveling the impact my familial and cultural expectations had on me. The impact my familial and cultural expectations had on me. I didn't even believe in divorce. Yet here I was getting divorced. So was it really a belief I had, or was it just that I was conditioned to think that way? What did I truly value in a relationship?

Harkaren:

It dawned on me that many of my so-called beliefs were in fact inherited rather than chosen. This realization was both unsettling and liberating. They were rooted in the desire to conform to the expectations of my family and community, to be the good daughter who upheld tradition and brought honor to the family. But as I sat with these thoughts, I began to question everything. Why had I accepted this criteria without question? Why had I allowed my life choices to be dictated by the expectations of others? The lockdown gave me the space and solitude to confront these questions head-on, Without the daily distractions and social obligations. I was left with just myself and the echoes of my past decisions. I realized that the path I had followed wasn't truly mine. It was laid out by generations before me, designed to fit a mold that didn't necessarily align with my evolving sense of self. When I did get married, it was with someone who perfectly fit this mold. He was everything my family had envisioned for me. But over time I realized that our relationship was lacking the depth and mutual understanding that I desired.

Harkaren:

My marriage was a karmic love. In the book, the author describes our karmic love as the hardest love we experience. It's often tumultuous and filled with intense emotional highs and lows. This relationship can be emotionally draining and may involve patterns of unhealthy behavior. It often ends in a difficult breakup, but leaves us with crucial life lessons. It was absolutely correct.

Harkaren:

In my case, that relationship broke me to my core and completely shattered my understanding of life. The plan was always finish school, get a job, get married, start a family. A divorce was never part of the plan. But the divorce, as painful as it was, became a turning point. It forced me to confront these ingrained beliefs and gave me the courage to redefine my values on my own terms.

Harkaren:

As the pandemic ended, I felt like I had a really good sense of who I was and what mattered to me in life. I could see what my strengths and weaknesses were, and I was relearning how to love and trust myself. But relationships still confused me. I wasn't sure if I had really experienced love. I didn't know what it felt like to be in a healthy relationship. I had done all the healing I could do on my own and I knew I had come to a point where I needed to meet different types of men, to be triggered in different ways, so that I could heal my relationship wounds. I wanted to heal the wounds that my ex had caused, but also the deeper wounds that caused me to choose someone like him in the first place, Because it wasn't that he was a jut from a respectable family with a good career that made him a bad fit for me. It was who he was as a person that made him a bad partner for me. That made him a bad partner for me.

Harkaren:

It's easy to be happy and kind when the situation calls for it, but a true test of your spiritual alignment is how you respond when you're being triggered. Being triggered forces us to confront our deepest wounds and insecurities, bringing to the surface emotions that we might have buried or ignored. It's in these moments of discomfort that we have the opportunity to truly understand ourselves and our pattern of behavior. Instead of running from these triggers, I made the conscious decision to lean into them, to explore the underlying causes of my reactions and to heal the wounds that I had. This desire for more healing is what prompted me to start dating.

Harkaren:

I joined the wonderful world of dating apps and was disappointed almost immediately, but it was partially my fault. I was sticking to dating brown men while simultaneously holding on to a subconscious fear of brown men. I had a fear that all brown men were the same and that they would disappoint me or hurt me the same way my ex had. Because, truthfully, the men I entertained before my ex were no better than him. They were liars, cheaters and they could get away with almost anything because no one was regulating their behavior Certainly nowhere close to how women in my culture are regulated. I went on a lot of first dates and everyone was pretty nice, fairly easy to get along with, but everything felt so platonic and I could tell that I still had my guard up. I ended up taking a break from dating and refocused on my personal goals. This is when I moved downtown and started living a life of true freedom. This is when I truly began to understand who I am outside of my family and my community.

Harkaren:

A few months into living alone, I was ready to start meeting people again. Because of how I was raised, I was made to believe that you date to find a life partner. I had never really entertained the idea of dating casually or short-term or dating without intention or expectation, but I finally had autonomy over my own life and I wasn't sure I was ready to be in a serious relationship just yet. All of my friends lived about 40 minutes away. So my intention was to meet men and women who lived closer to me so that I could spend time with them. I was meeting people from all different backgrounds and I was really enjoying it. And then I met someone super special, Someone I know was sent for me by the universe. How else do you explain that his job moved him to Vancouver from the East Coast at the same time as me moving downtown and that we moved onto the same street within a few months of each other, even though he had already paid a deposit for another place? Or that I was open to exploring outside of my culture when we matched on a dating app? Whatever it was that brought us together, I'm glad that it happened, because he was the person who taught me unconditional love.

Harkaren:

I grew up as a people pleaser, so I believed that love was conditional, that it was earned and only sustained through meeting expectations and the desires of others, that in order to be loved, I needed to put my partner's needs before my own. That in order to be loved, I needed to put my partner's needs before my own. That was until I met a tall, white Canadian guy who grew up on the East Coast. We'll call him Sloth to make it easier to follow along, but also because he might come up again in future episodes. His friends had given him that nickname when he was younger and, of course, the universe used it to deepen our connection with each other. Sloth and I hit it off right away. We enjoyed each other's company, so naturally we started spending a lot of time together.

Harkaren:

The first thing I noticed was how calm I felt in his presence. There was no nervousness. There was no nervousness, there was no anxiety. I was just existing and enjoying the present moment whenever I was with him. The next thing I noticed was how thoughtful he was. Thoughtful was never a characteristic I would have used to describe what I want out of a future partner, but now it's one of the main qualities I look for. It was the little things Walking me home or to my car after every date, Taking my dog for runs during lunch so I could catch up on work, Calming me down when I would feel overwhelmed, Making sure I was warm enough before I ever mentioned being cold. Always walking on the side of traffic and helping random strangers whenever we'd be out together. It was these small acts of kindness that showed me he truly cared and that he was a genuinely good human being. He was interested in my well-being and valued me as a person.

Harkaren:

One of the best lessons I learned from our time together was the importance of emotional safety in relationships. With Sloth, I felt safe enough to express my true feelings and thoughts without the fear of being criticized or misunderstood. He listened without interrupting, offered support without trying to fix everything, and valued my perspective, even when we didn't see eye to eye. This kind of acceptance allowed me to explore parts of myself that I had kept hidden for so long, afraid that they were unworthy or unlovable. Our relationship wasn't perfect no relationship is but was real. We had our disagreements and challenges, but we faced them together, always with the intention of understanding each other better. Sloth taught me that true love is always about growing together, about supporting each other through the highs and lows, and about finding joy in the simple moments of connection. Both of us had come from toxic relationships where we were badly hurt, but instead of hurting each other, we did everything possible to help each other heal.

Harkaren:

As our relationship deepened, I began to let go of the need to constantly prove myself worthy of love. I realized that I didn't have to be perfect or meet every expectation to be deserving of affection and care. Love, as I experienced it with Sloth, was not about earning approval or sacrificing my needs for the sake of the relationship. It was about being seen, accepted and cherished for who I truly was. The sloth was my idealistic love.

Harkaren:

The author says idealistic love is often our first love, although it wasn't in my case, because it's so sweet and pure and almost fairytale-like. It teaches us the excitement and passion of love. Our love was effortless, joyful and full of mutual admiration. When we met there was an immediate connection, a spark that made everything seem perfect. It was the kind of love where everything just clicks, where two people seem perfectly aligned. We laughed easily, shared our dreams and found joy in each other's company without trying too hard. In many ways, Sloth represented the ideal partner I had imagined, A person who could understand and appreciate me without the need for constant explanation or effort. He was thoughtful and attentive and he made me feel cherished in a way I hadn't experienced before. With him, everything felt easy and right. There was an almost magical quality to our relationship, and that's because the universe was definitely conspiring behind the scenes.

Harkaren:

Almost immediately after we started dating, we started seeing sloths and ladybugs together everywhere, Like in books and at the store and on TV. And when there was a display of stuffed animals, somehow the sloth and the ladybug were always beside each other. Ladybugs started landing on him on a weekly basis, sometimes multiple times a day. When we'd be watching a sunset or going for a walk, there was almost always a ladybug around. All he had to do was think of me and a ladybug would appear. It really was magic.

Harkaren:

When I first met him, he was a bit of a pessimist Well, maybe realist is a better way to describe him. He was always a kind person, but he was definitely jaded by the hardships of life and didn't really believe in God or spirituality. And then there was me, blindly following my intuitive guidance and lighting up every time I saw a ladybug. And wouldn't you know it, my positive energy rubbed off on him Time and time again. He has been bombarded with synchronicities and has become a believer in the signs from the universe. He has grown and evolved and started to trust in divine timing. So much so that he has intentionally decided on a new symbol from the universe to remind him that everything is always working out.

Harkaren:

We dated on and off for about two years On because we were so good for each other and so good to each other Off, because idealistic love often falls apart when real world problems come into play. When I was with him, I felt like I was living in a bubble of happiness, shielded from the harsh realities of the outside world. It's easy to get swept up in the fantasy, to only see the best in each other and to ignore or minimize the challenges that inevitably arise. For us, the challenges came in the form of differing life paths and goals. While we shared a deep connection and enjoyed an incredible bond, we were also two individuals with our own unique journeys and aspirations. We started to face the reality that love alone was not enough. No matter how idealistic it might have seemed, Our relationship began to show signs of strain when we encountered situations that required us to address real-life issues like future plans, long-term commitments and personal growth.

Harkaren:

Sloth and I eventually parted ways as life led us in different directions, but the impact he had on me remains profound. He showed me that love could be free of conditions and that true connection is built on a foundation of mutual respect, understanding and genuine care. These lessons continue to shape my approach to relationships and my journey of self-love, reminding me that the most meaningful connections are those that allow us to be our authentic selves and to grow together. Sloth and I parted ways with a deep sense of gratitude for the time we shared and the lessons we learned from each other. We taught each other that growth doesn't have to come from destruction. We got to grow through love, and that's a beautiful thing. And perhaps the most liberating realization of all was understanding that I could extend this unconditional love to myself. For so long I had sought validation from others, believing that my worth was tied to their approval, but through my relationship with Sloth I learned that the most important love of all is the love I give myself Unconditional, unwavering and ever-present.

Harkaren:

I am now in a place to welcome in the third type of love, the most profound and balanced love, the twin flame. It is the most rewarding of the three and often arrives when we least expect it. And often arrives when we least expect it. This love feels effortless and aligns closely with our true selves. It's a relationship where both partners have grown individually and come together in a mature, fulfilling partnership. Thank you so much for tuning in to my ninth episode of season two.

Harkaren:

Love is not a feeling, it is a state of being. It's about how we choose to live and interact with the world and the people in it. Being in a state of love means approaching life and relationships with an open heart, ready to give and receive without conditions. It means accepting ourselves and others fully, with all our flaws and imperfections. It's about nurturing connections that allow us to grow and evolve together, embracing both the joy and the pain that comes with deep, meaningful relationships. But there's another crucial aspect to maintaining this state of love spending time alone between relationships. These periods alone allow us to process and integrate the lessons from past relationships, to heal from any wounds and to rediscover our own identity outside of being with someone else.

Harkaren:

Rushing from one relationship to the next can lead to a cycle of repeated patterns where we might find ourselves encountering multiple karmic loves. These are relationships that challenge us to confront our deepest fears and insecurities, often pushing us to grow in uncomfortable ways. While karmic loves are powerful teachers, experiencing them repeatedly without taking time to heal can be exhausting and emotionally draining. By spending time alone, we give ourselves the space to become whole and content on our own, which is the foundation for forming healthy, fulfilling relationships in the future. I'll see you next Wednesday for episode 10,. And I leave you with a quote I love from the movie Interstellar Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can't understand it. Together, here we're creating a community of beautiful souls, ready to uplift each other, ready to experience all the joy that this life has to offer us. And don't forget life is all about balance, baby.