Balance Baby

S2E10 Navigating Grief, Forgiveness, and Intuition

• Harkaren • Season 2 • Episode 10

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Can you ever truly forgive an alcoholic parent who has caused so much pain? Join me on an emotional and transformative journey as I recount my experiences growing up with my alcoholic father. Through the chaos and love that marked my childhood, I'll share how gaining distance and a shift in perspective allowed me to see my father's humanity and struggles. Inspired by a powerful moment from a Tony Robbins documentary, I discovered that my father's battles, though painful, shaped my independence and ambition. This episode is not just about healing from past wounds but also about finding empathy and gratitude amid life's challenges.

Feel the raw emotion as I recount an unexpected hug from my father and the profound sense of intuition that led me back home just in time to support my family before his untimely death. These moments brought clarity and peace, teaching me the importance of trusting inner nudges and signals from the universe. I delve into the themes of love, forgiveness, and the unspoken connections that guide us. As we wrap up, I'll share my excitement for where my intuition is leading next and invite you to be part of a community ready to uplift each other and embrace life's joys. Join me on this heartfelt episode of Balance Baby, and let's explore the power of intuition and healing together.

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Harkaren:

Hello everyone and welcome to Balance Baby, the podcast designed to help you consistently show up as the best version of yourself. My name is Harkaren and I'll be your host. I'll be here every week sharing stories and teaching you techniques to prioritize the only thing we have any control over in this world ourselves. There are very few things that are guaranteed in life. One of them, undeniably, is that one day we will pass away. Life's unpredictability often challenges us away. Life's unpredictability often challenges us, presenting opportunities to grow and evolve in ways we never anticipated. This podcast is a reflection of that journey. When you listen to my episodes, you have the freedom to choose your own path. You might decide to jump into whichever topic you're interested in or follow along from the beginning as I guide you on a timeline of my growth and evolution so far. Either way, my hope is that by sharing my life stories, articulating my thoughts and offering my understandings of life my understandings of life I can help you make sense of the situations in your own life. Maybe I can provide a different perspective, all with the hopes of facilitating healing and growth. I truly believe that we all deserve to live peaceful and fulfilling lives. Through the lens of my experiences. I aim to show that even in the face of life's greatest challenges, we can find our way to deeper understanding and inner peace. In this week's episode, I share the intuitive guidance that brought me home just before my dad's passing, a moment that, despite the grief, led to deep personal healing and transformation. It's amazing how death brings everything into perspective. It reminds us to live fully and authentically, to prioritize what truly matters and to embrace each day with gratitude and openness. If I get to live as long as my grandpa, I've already lived one-third of my life, but if I only get to live as long as my dad, I'm already more than halfway through my life. There is no time for judgment, or hesitation or regret. This past weekend was Father's Day, and it's never been a day that held much significance for me.

Harkaren:

My dad and I always had a tumultuous relationship, mainly due to his alcoholism. He was an alcoholic before I ever existed and it impacted every part of my being. I had a stable home life in the sense that my parents stayed married. We always had a home to live in, we always had food to eat, we had toys, we had clothes. All of our needs were met, but not in an emotional sense. It was actually quite chaotic and unsettling.

Harkaren:

Growing up, I never knew which version of my dad I would get. Some days he was filled with stories and laughter. On other days he was distant and unpredictable. Days he was distant and unpredictable. Hearing my parents constantly arguing left me walking on eggshells. The inconsistency created a complex mix of love, fear and resentment inside of me. I loved my dad and wanted his approval, but I also resented the chaos he brought into our lives.

Harkaren:

I grew up feeling a lot of shame and stigma. Addiction has a way of casting a shadow not just over the addict but over the entire family. It was difficult to talk about my dad's alcoholism, particularly because the behavior is normalized and enabled within the Punjabi community and also because there was a fear of judgment and misunderstanding. If you've ever been impacted by alcoholism or any kind of addiction, then you can already understand where I'm coming from. You know the pain of loving someone who's battling demons you can't see and don't fully understand, and the sense of helplessness that comes with it.

Harkaren:

Before I got married, I spent many years living in silence with my dad, even though we lived under the same roof. Not speaking to each other was the only way we knew how to coexist. When I moved back home after my divorce, my dad was one of the main reasons I felt I needed to move out on my own. The tension at home was suffocating and I needed space to breathe and find myself. Leaving wasn't an act of rebellion, but a necessary step for my own well-being and evolution, and it ended up being a positive step for everyone involved. The distance gave me the perspective I needed. It allowed me to view my dad not just as a source of my struggles, but as a person with his own battles. The time and space apart gave me room to reflect and grow to understand that his actions and words were not a reflection of my worth, but rather a manifestation of his own pain and struggles. Living separately, I began to stop taking everything he said and did so personally. Instead, I saw a complex man fighting his own demons. I started to see the humanity in him beyond the hurt and the anger. Recognizing my dad's struggles didn't erase the hurt or the damage done, but it softened the edges of my resentment. It opened a door to empathy and eventually, to forgiveness. I began to understand that his inability to show love or communicate effectively was not a reflection of my value, but of his own limitations, and I can still remember the day when all of this came together for me.

Harkaren:

I was at my apartment watching a Tony Robbins documentary on Netflix called I Am Not your Guru. This particular scene was impactful for me because it offered me a perspective I hadn't considered. He was doing some work with the audience when he started talking to a young woman who was there with her mom. She asked a question that had something to do with weight loss, but it was really clear that that wasn't the root of her problems. Somehow he led her to the topic of her dad and she revealed that her dad was an addict and that she doesn't speak with him. I resonated with this. Tony mentioned how he could tell that she was a sweet girl with a tiger inside of her, that she was driven and ambitious. But if she wanted to blame her dad for all that had gone wrong in her life, she also had to blame him for all that had gone right. His absence is what made her more independent. His lack of reliability is what made her so ambitious.

Harkaren:

I had to pause the documentary and cry and journal. I had spent my whole life wishing my dad was different, wondering what would my life be like if my dad wasn't an alcoholic, or always went to work, or took us on family vacations, or was present and loving, or had money saved for my education or whatever else. You know. Nothing extravagant, but the things I thought normal dads do normal dads do. But at that moment, for the first time ever, I felt so much gratitude towards my dad. I am who I am because he was who he was, and I love who I am. I learned how to show up for myself. I took a deep dive into therapy to learn all about my triggers, all about my emotions, all about life, and I'm so grateful. I am driven and motivated. I am ambitious because I never had a safety net to fall back on. I am considerate and loving and nurturing because I know how it feels to be without it. I am so self-aware because of the work that I felt I had to do to show up as the person I wanted to be, and I would never change that Ever. Sometimes we put expectations on our parents to know what's best and to always take the correct steps. We forget that, just like us, they are experiencing life for the first time and learning along the way they too have faced their own challenges and trauma, many of which they might not have had the luxury or opportunity to process and heal from. That change of mindset and shift in my perspective caused the most beautiful healing to occur.

Harkaren:

A few weeks after I had this intense realization, I was at my parents' house for a visit. Intense realization I was at my parents' house for a visit. My aunt was over, so I went to give her a hug and say hello. As I was leaving the living room, my dad reached out his arms to give me a hug. This was strange because we were barely on speaking terms and definitely didn't hug each other. I did have this shift in mindset, but I hadn't told him about it. I thought that he wouldn't understand or I wouldn't know how to explain it, so there was no point in trying. But in that moment, when he hugged me, he said I love you. And, in shock, I said it back. I looked at my mom and my aunt and they were looking back at us, smiling. I left the living room feeling very confused but also happy. As far as I could remember, that was the only time my dad ever told me he loved me. I believe that my internal shift, my decision to forgive him, created the space for him to express his love. It was a mental forgiveness that didn't require words, but was powerful enough to bridge the gap between us. In that moment, I felt years of resentment fade away.

Harkaren:

In the previous episodes, we've been talking about intuition. Connecting with our intuition allows us to make decisions that align with our highest good, leading to a more fulfilling and authentic life. Trusting your intuition is like building a muscle the more you use it, the stronger it becomes, and over time, you'll find that your intuition becomes a reliable source of guidance and wisdom. If you listened to Season 1, episode 1, you would know that I timed the release of my podcast to the passing of my grandpa, my dad's dad. He passed away in January of 2023, and I released my first podcast episode in January of 2024.

Harkaren:

After my grandpa passed, my intuition somehow felt heightened. Normally, my intuition was exciting and uplifting. Normally, my intuition was exciting and uplifting like a feeling of excited anticipation, but this intuitive feeling was different. It felt heavy. I kept getting the feeling that I needed to move back home. There had been some minor break-ins at the apartment building I was living at and I thought, oh, maybe something bad is going to happen at this building. But my intuition wasn't telling me to move somewhere else. It was specifically telling me to go home. It didn't make sense to me. I was so happy on my own, but I also had never felt my intuition speak to me in this way.

Harkaren:

I reached out to the property manager and asked how much notice he needed, and he told me a month. This way, I reached out to the property manager and asked how much notice he needed, and he told me a month was sufficient. I told him it would likely be sometime in the summer, but I just wanted to give him a heads up. I also told my parents that I was thinking of moving back, and they were happy to hear that. I went back and forth in my mind of when I should move back. Should I enjoy one more summer downtown? Should I go sooner than later? And then my intuition spoke up again. It was close to the end of February and I knew I needed to get my notice into the property manager before the end of the month, so that March would be my final month.

Harkaren:

I returned the keys to the apartment and moved back home on March 30th and four days later, on April 3rd, my dad passed away Suddenly, unexpectedly passed away in his bedroom at the age of 61. Looking back, I see that my intuition was guiding me home. For this reason, it was as if some part of me knew I needed to be there, to be present. As I was on the phone with 911, I looked around the room at my mom and my older brother and I realized I needed to be there for my family at that moment. They were both staring blankly in shock, but somehow I went into nursing mode. I was able to have the conversations with the police and the paramedics. I was able to stay calm and composed until I was okay to feel my emotions.

Harkaren:

In his passing, while everyone around me was questioning why him? Why now? Why so soon after his dad, I found a strange sense of peace and clarity. It felt as though he must have been ready. If he was ready, who are we to question why now? My dad lost his mom when he was about 25 years old and spent his whole life grieving her. He had a complex relationship with his own dad, filled with love and tension. To me, it was clear that he didn't want to exist without his parents. He had done all he could do in this lifetime and now he was ready to join the souls that had passed before him.

Harkaren:

His death was a profound catalyst for my own healing. It was as if, with his passing, he took with him the sad, damaged little girl inside of me who had always been seeking his validation. Overnight, I felt a shift within me. The weight of unmet expectations and unspoken words seemed to lift and I found myself standing taller with a newfound sense of self-worth. In his passing, he had given me a final gift the freedom to let go of the pain and embrace a new understanding of love and forgiveness. His presence remains with me, not in the form of a tumultuous past, but as a bright, supportive energy. I feel him cheering me on, sending me the love and encouragement he struggled to express in life.

Harkaren:

I do wonder what might have happened if this healing had come sooner, if we had learned how to communicate with each other. What was troubling him so much that he rejected the love of his own family? These are questions I'll never have answers to, but I find solace in knowing that he's okay now and still with us in spirit. He's been showing me signs, like moving boxes in my room while we were still deep in the grieving process, or as a ladybug that landed on my brother during my cousin's wedding just three weeks after he passed, or the owl that perched on the power lines outside of my house as I was writing this episode. These moments remind me that love transcends physical presence and that the bonds we share are never truly broken. Thank you so much for tuning in to my 10th episode of season 2. This was by far the most difficult episode I've created.

Harkaren:

Death has a way of stripping away the superficial and bringing us face to face with the essence of what truly matters. With the essence of what truly matters. It urges us to live life fully and authentically, to prioritize love, connection and forgiveness over judgment, hesitation and regret. My dad's passing was a harsh reminder of this truth. It taught me that there is no time to waste. Life is too short and precious. As we move through life, it's crucial to tap into that inner voice, to trust our instincts, even when they lead us into the unknown. My decision to move back home was guided by a deep, intuitive sense that there was something important I needed to be present for. It wasn't easy and it didn't come without fear or doubt, but ultimately it brought me to a place of deeper understanding and connection For those of you listening.

Harkaren:

I encourage you to pay attention to those subtle nudges from within. Whether they come as a quiet whisper or a strong, undeniable urge, they are guiding you towards your true path. Trusting your intuition can lead to unexpected yet beautiful transformations in your life, just as it has in mine, and I can't wait to share where my intuition has led me in next week's episode. And if you're finding value in this podcast, please consider sharing with your friends and family. As always, I would really appreciate a five-star review. This helps other listeners find my podcast, so we can continue to grow our community. I'll see you on Wednesday for episode 11. Together, here we're creating a community of beautiful souls, ready to uplift each other, ready to experience all the joy that this life has to offer us. And don't forget, life is all about balance. Baby, balance, baby.